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Topic: There is nothing the young can teach older people. Please rate. | IELTS task 1 - Please rate my essay

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#1 (permalink) Tue Dec 03, 2013 11:34 am   Spending our free time - Please rate my essay 

Some people think that it is important to use leisure time for activities that develop the mind, such as reading and doing crossword puzzles. Others feel that it is important to give one's mind a rest in leisure time. Discuss.

Relaxing our mind has been a vital part of spending our free time for thousands of years. Most of the people find relaxing activities like reading a book while others love to stay in the park, just see a boring TV channel or discuss with friends in front of a cup of tea or coffee. Even if maybe some persons will not totally agree with me, I consider that two of the most important activities that should eat our free time are the reading of a book and outdoor activities with family or friends.

Reading has always been one of the activities that fascinated the human mind and as long as we read books written in a language that we do not find difficult to understand, we should find reading a relaxing activity. Of course, as long as the books we are reading are not too technical to make us realize that we are not reading for fun but for study. For example I remember when my sister told me that by reading for relaxation she found God and that changed her life. She was reading mostly religious books.

Another activity which I personally consider that can have an important effect in our life are outdoor activities with family members or friends. This activities will help us be in a good shape for a long period of time and in the same time will help us develop strong close relationships with the persons we are spending our time with. And strong and close relationships are vital to have with people we would like to have around us for longer periods of time. For example I remember that we when I was younger I was going a lot for fishing with my father and over the years this activity become very important for us and made us to have have a very special relation.

In conclusion spending our time is very important and we should have a really clear idea between spending some time and loosing some time. I strongly believe that reading a book will help our mind and develop our vocabulary and when we have more time and weather is with us, spending some time outside with family or friends will help our relations. I just hope that less and less people will find important activities like playing computer games and watch television series.

TOEFL listening discussions: What is the design of the sweatshirt?
Xsimio
I'm new here and I like it ;-)


Joined: 28 Oct 2013
Posts: 16
Location: Amsterdam
#2 (permalink) Tue Dec 03, 2013 16:10 pm   Re: Spending our free time - Please rate my essay 

Hi Xsimio, I thought your essay was very good. I especially liked your introduction and conclusion. You had some good personal and detailed examples, but I don't know if your first one was that convincing. Maybe you need to say more explicitly that even when we appear to be wasting time, those activities can have valuable results. Your writing was generally very clear, but you did have a lot of small errors in grammar and usage. Overall, I would rate this a 4 out of 5.

Xsimio wrote:
Some people think that it is important to use leisure time for activities that develop the mind, such as reading and doing crossword puzzles. Others feel that it is important to give one's mind a rest in leisure time. Discuss.

Relaxing our mind has been a vital part of spending our free time for thousands of years. Most people find relaxing activities like reading a book while others love to stay in the park, just [watch] a boring TV channel or discuss {"discuss" needs an object - maybe "discuss the news of the day"} with friends in front of a cup of tea or coffee. Even if maybe some {"Although perhaps some people" sounds better} persons will not totally agree with me, I consider that two of the most important activities that should eat {"eat" has a negative connotation, so does not really work here} our free time are the reading of a book and outdoor activities with family or friends. {ok, but "are reading books and enjoying outdoor …" sounds better}

Reading has always been one of the activities that fascinated the human mind and as long as we read books written in a language that we do not find difficult to understand, we should find {these "finds" here sound repetitive} reading a relaxing activity. Of course, as long as the books we are reading are not too technical to make us realize that we are not reading for fun but for study.{this is not a complete sentence - add "this is true" before "as long"} {also, the last phrase is a little confusing} For example I remember when my sister told me that by reading for relaxation she found God and that changed her life. She was reading mostly religious books. {this example is a little confusing - finding God seems to be akin to developing your mind, or at least your spirit, so it seems a little opposite of just "vegging out"}

Another activity [that] I personally consider can have an important effect in our li[ves is] outdoor activities {a singular subject with a plural object sounds a little odd - maybe "is participating in outdoor activities …"} with family members or friends. Th[ese] activities {this is repetitive} will help us [stay] ingood shape for a long period of time and [at] the same time will help us develop strong close relationships with the persons{"people" is better here} we are spending our time with. And {avoid beginning sentences with "and" or "but" - here you could say "furthermore"} strong and close relationships are vital to have with people we would like to have around us for longer periods of time. For example I remember that when I was younger I [went] fishing [a lot] with my father and over the years this activity become very important for us and made ushave {"helped us have" is better} have a very special relation[ship].

In conclusion[,] spending our time [wisely] {everyone spends their time, there is no way not to!} is very important and we should have a really clear [balance] between spending some time and [just wasting] {wasting probably has too negative a connotation here, but "losing time" is incorrect} some time. I strongly believe that reading a book will help our mind and develop our vocabulary and when we have more time and [the] weather is [nice], spending some time outside with family or friends will help our relations[hips]. I just hope that [fewer and fewer] people will [place importance on] {is this what you meant?} activities like playing computer games and watch television series.

TOEFL listening discussions: What is the design of the sweatshirt?
Luschen
I'm a Communicator ;-)


Joined: 08 Apr 2011
Posts: 8641
Location: Nashville TN, USA
Topic: There is nothing the young can teach older people. Please rate. | IELTS task 1 - Please rate my essay

 
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Some Productive Ways Students Can Spend Their Leisure Time

Leisure time may not come very frequently for students and should therefore be used wisely. Students should value this time as taking time out from their set routine of studying is of vital importance.Leisure time can be used for reflection, relaxation and setting goals into perspective.A good start would be to create a list of activities they would like to accomplish.They can then schedule these activities.These activities should bebeneficial to the body and mind.

Staying healthy and activeis vital for a well balanced life.A good diet with nutritional meals is important for students who want to stay healthy. Being active can lead to one having increased energy and can be relaxing as well! This does not need to include a rigirous exercise routine but can include a walk to the park to get some fresh air.Cleaning out personal belongings by tidyingup and organising is also a form of staying fit and can lead to a great sense of accomplishment when completed.

Students can stimulate their minds by meditating or learning new skills. This time can be used to try something they have wanted to do for ages but never had time for.There is perhaps even a book they have wanted to read. This can be relaxing and build up ones vocabulary at the same time! They could find their creative side by starting a hobby which can reduce stress and keep their minds active and creative. They can also use their time to reflect on their studies by looking at what they have learnt and what they may need to place more focus on. Ensuring they are up to date with everything will give them peace of mind.

Reviewing of the list of activitiesplanned is important as students will be able to see what they have accomplished during their leisure time. Crossing off activities will motivate students as they will see the goals they have reached and lead to them set new milestones. Time needs to be made to clear theirminds and gain perspective of the path they are following in life. This is crucial for self developmentand fulfillment of personal and developmental goals. Students need to focus onspending their leisure time on activities that are beneficial, worthwhile and will lead them to feeling empowered with a sense of accomplishment.

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